The ceremony of words that patched my misery.

Dear Nadzirah

NATIONAL RETAIL SCHOLARSHIP PROGRAMME - LETTER OF OFFER

Congratulations! On behalf of the Singapore Retailers Association, Singapore Workforce Development Agency (WDA) and SPRING Singapore, it gives me great pleasure to inform you that you have been awarded the National Retail Scholarship 2011.

This scholarship will cover two years' tuition fees of your BA (Hons) in Retail Marketing course, 70% of which will be borne by WDA and SPRING Singapore, and the remaining 30% to be borne by your sponsor company. In addition, you will be provided a stipend of $19,200 (or $800 per month) to be paid out in 2 instalments, while you complete your degree course. Please note that you will have to serve a 2 years bond with your sponsor company upon graduation.

Finally, I clinched the scholarship! Days and nights of praying and that little faith I held on after I realized I screwed up big time in the last interview. Thank you God for you've enlightened my worries. Dad doesn't have to worry about my school fees and I do not have to slog so hard to satisfy my monthly shopping addictions cause with the $800, I literally can shop till I drop. Well of course, I'd not let the money flow rapidly. Thinking like a 21 year old should, the money shall be in my savings account for my rainy days. While I proudly say money is my least concern (just cause Dad told me I didn't have to worry about money at all), I'm more ecstatic about the bond. I'm on my way in achieving my goals, to be a buyer, merchandiser or a marketing director for fashion industries. I am really thankful to my parents, my favourite boy, my lovely girls; Ania, Chantelle and Sya for their encouragement and blessings. They are the reason for where I am today, to have achieve something that brought me nearer to my dream.

Another great news. Mum went for her scanning yesterday and we were all overjoyed upon hearing her recovery from cancer. God, I don't know how else to thank you but I'll repay you, though I'm not a stringent Muslim (I'm still trying). Indeed, this tragedy is a blessing in disguise for I've found true friends (at which I've eliminated those pretentious ones), giving the boyfriend a chance to show what he's worth to the family (I proudly say my boy is part of the family now) and lastly, this test from God which brought me to a higher level of maturity. I am now stronger, emotionally and physically, well just cause I'm left with no other options except to stay strong.

For that one special boy I'm really in love with, who stood by me through my ups and downs, received me in open arms, kissed me on the forehead and assured me everything would be fine, I really love you Ashiq. I'm the luckiest girl to have you and I promise I'd love you unconditionally.

I am so glad this is all over and my family's back to normalcy. Time for smiles love, bury your sorrows away.

love nad

Breathe in the different air.

I am perpetually restless and I decided to change (for the longest time, I had to endure my sister's whining on how dull the previous background looked) to a more cheerful outlook for my space.

Oh yes, I'm back. I realized I haven't been loyal to this space, thanks to tumblr, and because I was at a point in my life where my thoughts didn't really matter. While I find it compulsory to blog every minute of my life in detail in the yesteryears, I now feel that I lack vocabulary nor the patience to write about what I feel. Back in the years, I'd be enthralled, carried away by my thoughts, filling up the empty pages of my diary. My stories were real, some memorable while some allowed me to drown in my fears even up till date.

Well, I'm finally back. And happier than ever.I feel a lot more driven these days, and there's a different air about me. I don't write my posts for anyone but myself. Welcome back love.

love nad

Nothing else...

Dear you,

I can't tell you how thankful I am to have you cause the list will never end.

I love you Muhammad Ashiq Hamid.

love nad

It's really sad cause you're still not convinced you're the one I really love.

You'll know you've totally gotten over your ex when both of you are left to sit together, it feels so awkward and you pretend you're texting a friend.

Dear you,

I'd love to run away. Far from everything. I didn't think I got it. I'm trying hard to keep the little faith left in me to keep me breathing. I'm dealing the rejection pretty well but the parents' not helping in any bit. Yea, Mum, Dad, sure I'm keeping my faith, but if I don't get it, it's not the end of my world at least right? Let it go already.

Getting rejected equates to more worries. In money sense, I'm pretty much screwed. Really, I have no idea how. The long walk I took which I thought would be of a great help in my thinking backfired me. I got disturbed by immatured annoying boys who certainly didn't have any respect for girls. Totally made my day worse.

If saying 'Fuck it' helps, I wouldn't mind chanting it the whole day. God, I'm not giving up but at least, give me a glimpse of hope.

To you; A, I really wish I'm on the phone with you now. Just when I need you the most, you're not here.

Times I wish when Saturdays are only meant for me and you.

I felt so down the whole day today, though I tried hard to keep my emotions up for the sake of J, Marcus and Belly. Behind the smile of mine, I hid my misery, hoping my favourite boy would do the magic. I was wrong.

I've always expected too much. When will you ever learn Nad?

I miss you, I really do Ashiq.

Guess I really lost it. I don't feel pretty anymore.

Irony.

When we're too used to each other, we tend to forget the littlest things that actually carved the smile on our faces.

I don't have my say.

Dear you; though I'm not too sure if there's anyone reading this space, except for the very one boy I'm so in love with.

First and foremost, bear with me cause I foresee myself penning down my lengthy thoughts.

I've gotten my exam results and God, I must thank you for I've worked so hard. That aside, I got through 4 rounds of interview for my scholarship and I'm not really confident in the last interview. Sigh, I feel so miserable right after, well not to the extend of killing myself, but I guess you can say so. Trust me, it was that depressing knowing that your career is guaranteed upon graduation and you merely screwed up in the interview. Sad to say, I'm mentally prepared for disappointment. I'm really thankful I have very supportive friends like Ania and Chantelle whom I really love so much. Guess I'd still drown in sorrows up till now if not for their words of encouragement.

On a brighter note, Mum's recovering from her cancer. Dad, on the other hand, is having some financial difficulties. Mum's medical expenses, my little sis's surgery, my school fees and a million little things that weighs a lot on Dad's shoulders. Well, I wish I could do my part but I have no idea how to. In actual fact, I don't even know what I'm feeling. I feel so rushed, like a 40 year old trapped in a 20 year old body, having to worry about financial difficulties of the family and trying so hard to find alternatives to earn money. I wouldn't say I'll quit school because that is by the far, the most stupid thing to do but I thought of doing an internship. I'm not too sure if that's a good choice cause for one fact, I'd rather commit 100% in my studies. Thinking of these me feel like I'm forced to grow up. I have to worry about all these while my friends, prolly busy clubbing or having gatherings right now.

The boyfriend has been my pillar of support all these months and I'm so thankful for that.

One thing for sure, I'm not the girl I used to be. Indeed, tragedies are a blessing in disguise.

love nad

My favourite boy.

You've been my pillar of strength.
Life wouldn't be as wonderful and smooth-sailing without you.
Thank you for all the good times, your never ending support and of course, your unconditional love.

Muhammad Ashiq, my favourite boy.

That time of the year, again.

They say troubles make you a better person. Sure it does.
I should prolly start living my days with my favourite boy's quote;

"Life's a bitch."

Dear you, my life's all messed up. Well, not really cause I'm still surviving.

I know Dad's having a hard time. I wish I could help but I can't even help myself.

The boyfriend has been such a great support but he has his problems too.

Money is always the root of problems.

God, I am not asking to be rich, I just wish for strength.

I lost again.