The X says it all

I rummaged in his room for the 'forgotten treasure'. There it was, placed perfectly by the side of his bed. For the years I've been with him, I knew it was there. I've been procrastinating to open the box but curiosity kills me everytime I laid my eyes on it.

For I know I need a lot of courage to see what's inside and to console myself that the treasures are his past. As I opened the lid of the box, letters, cards, gift wrappers all arranged neatly leaving little space for any other gifts. It was hard but I did it anyway.

I plucked up courage and one by one, I took them out. Specks of dust on each letters and gifts just proves he hasn't touched it for centuries. There beside me, my boyfriend assuring me it is me that he loves. He knew I'd inflict myself with pain with every letter and cards that I read. I reassured him that I was able to take it, even if it was painful.

I read the letters of confession, the beautifully handwritten pieces of cards and self-made poems to him aloud. Their monthsaries, anniversaries, the photos they took together, and the very tiny little movie tickets, sweet wrappers that he kept in memory of her; his ex-girlfriend. Oh how it hurts, who am I lying?

He knew I was hurting, probably saw it through my eyes and my tone of voice as I read those letters, one by one. I stood strong trying hard to hold back the tears, making jokes about the gifts to cover up the grief I had caused myself. I probably regretted because I knew, I am not as great as her. I suck at drawing, I hate making cards, I can take a month and never come out with amazing love poems and the letters I wrote to my boyfriend, they were not as good as hers.

As much as I was heartbroken, I brushed it all off. If you girls are thinking of what I just did, please don't. Pain like that, not worthy just because you'll start comparing. I did. He kept their movie tickets, doesn't even keep mine. He kept her sweet wrapper, but threw mine. He made her cards, but I didn't receive any. They celebrated their monthsaries, but I have few memories of mine despite the 2 years plus we've been together. The list goes on. You probably think I should have listened to him and put them all away, left untouched. I'm glad I took them out, though it was painful, but now I know where I stand, how far he'd go for me.

Don't get me wrong. My boyfriend makes an amazing boyfriend and amongst my ex-es, he is the best. But hey, we can't be petty and got to understand that as we grow with time, we get really busy and making cards, letters, probably a waste of time. (Though I find boys making time to make pretty cards for their girlfriends really cute because really, how many actually does that? Those boys, deserve an 'A' for effort.)

And as for me, I don't think I'd show all my past treasures to my dear boyfriend. It hurts like hell and I wouldn't want him to feel insecure, like I did. I totally do not mind him keeping those because I have my treasures too. No way am I throwing those because, once upon a time, they were the ones who carved a smile on my face. :)

Keep the memories, let go of the feelings and look to the future. God bless.

love nad

Another moment of blunder

I broke your heart and all I could ever say was sorry. Cooped up in my room, wild thoughts running through my mind. The fear of you growing tired of my mistakes then leave me if someone better comes along. So many what ifs that can literally drive me crazy.

Fairytales never exist but I'm thankful to have fallen in love with you. You're the only one whose love is so surreal. You kept your promise when you said you'd never leave. Thank you. I don't make promises but believe me, there's no room for anyone else in this tiny heart of mine.

I don't want to destroy what we share all these years. I thought it's best I leave but I know it's not easy to stay away. Just for a moment, look into my eyes and trust me. If you only knew what I'm willing to give.

I love you dearly.

love nad

I have found him.

Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry?

Have you ever tell yourself it's dangerous to fall so deep in love?

We all have and we still take the risk.

Kept in the dark

Have you ever felt like you're wandering aimlessly? And you let your mind floats by, waiting for something amazing to happen? You counted down the days, the months but nothing great actually happens. Sad to say, that's me now.

I feel as though I'm stuck in a pool of mud, my movements restricted, hoping someone to rescue me but no one really came along. And the worst things of all, the person you think would understand you, doesn't. He just doesn't get it.

Sometimes I forget that my happiness does not depend on you. I need to constantly remind myself that fairytales never ever existed and that life and relationships are fragile. I need to do something with this life. I keep wanting to make something happen and I think it's time. Wait and see.

love nad

Brighter than sunshine

I had my happy pills on such a beautiful Saturday. Seeing John and Chantelle was enough to lift my spirits up. Speaking of which, I'm hyped up about our next meeting already! :D

Despite the scorching sun, we were pretty determined to carry on with picnic. I'm so glad we did because we had an amazing time. And of course, at such a pretty setting like this, having heart to heart talks are the best.

I love these two dearies here a lot! Been close since our poly years and we have been stronger ever since. :) But of course, we still have our small little bickerings here and there, but at the end of the day, we know we can't live without each other. <3


At the later part of the day, met the family for dinner. A great ending to a perfect Saturday. :)

My pillar of strength. Honestly speaking, I wouldn't have gone this far without them. They have done so much for me and I really can't wait to start work just so I can repay their deeds though I know it'd never be enough. :(

To have my love ones to end my night, I could not ask for more. :)

love nad

Bitter

It's the 13th and I feel so far away from you and they say, "Chin up girl, life doesn't stop here."

love nad

AND I FINALLY DID SOME SHOPPING!!!

In actual fact, I am not exhilirated as I sound. I was majorly crestfallen when I could not find the perfect ribbon blouse. Now that I'm home, I realised I've got a serious lack of funds in my bank. Come to think of it, I haven't even gotten everything in my wish list. I've overspent on things I think I wouldn't even wear. :( And, I still owe my boyfriend his birthday date. I'm in need of money, but money never falls from the sky does it?

Well, it's only January. I'm praying hard my relief teaching application is approved and I'm all out to earn money in the coming months. Well, you got to keep the faith.

love nad

Brand new start to a brand new year.

God heard my prayers. Thank you. I know I haven't been updating diligently but hey, spare me. Throughout the last bits of 2011, I have been swamped with loads of mugging for the most dreadful exams in my entire life..dates with friends..bla bla and of course Paris (the best way to end the year). I'd blog about Paris if I'm not lazy, but speaking of lazy, the first week of Jan has passed and I have yet to start on my thesis (at which we were constantly reminded on starting thesis in Dec). I'm sorry I wasted a few minutes of your life and you may close this page.

My point is I've gotten my results and I am so thankful. :) On another note, dear boyfriend has gotten his driving license and of course, that calls for a celebration! :D

Can't wait for weekend <3

love nad

So it's 2012!

Unbelievable how a year has passed in a blink of an eye. My friends had their resolutions perfectly listed on their spaces, I feel it's a little late for mine now. 2012 is finally here and I'm not sure if I should be all hyped up about it.

2011 has been an amazing ride. Mum had cancer at the beginning of the year and indeed it was a huge blow. It's been a year now but those memories, still carved deeply in my mind. The journey was rough but I'm glad we made it through. I had school to think of, my little sister to care for, and seeing Dad to stress about the costly bills were enough to drain me out. There, I found faith. Faith in God, faith in myself, faith in Dad who stood strong for the family, and most importantly, faith in Mum who fought strong for her life. But of course, I have friends who stood by me, to wipe my tears and convince me everything will be fine. My boyfriend was a sweetheart. He was there for me, and more importantly, for my family. Indeed, he's my pillar of strength and I can never thank him enough. I love you baby.

2011, I turned 21. My party was a blast and it drew a clear line between true friends and the fakers. It was upsetting but the boyfriend made me realised it's really not worth to have friends who stab you in the back. Life moves on and the good things kept coming. I did pretty well in school (semester 1 was a disaster!) and I managed to get a scholarship from the Singapore Retailer's Association. That I must say, was really surprising because I choked on my words throughout the many rounds of interviews. Besides, I had to compete with other students and only 9 got through. Thank you God.

To end such a 'rollercoaster' year, I kept myself occupied with my close friends and that feeling is amazing! Just because I don't go out as often on school days and to have my close friends by my side to end my year, it was beyond perfect.

Had a stroll with John along Orchard Rd just because I'm in love with the Christmas lights, such pretty things <3 It was fun, as always, with non-stop giggling and laughters.


Told Marcus I wanted to play with snow so badly! Well, foam was beautiful enough. :)

Starbucks date with my 2 perfect girls. How pretty and how I envy them. It's amazing how we've all grown from girls to women and we're still in each others' lives. :)

And who could ever forget? My annoying bestfriends whom I love so much. It has been 8 or probably 9 (I suck at Math) years since we've been together. We've changed, had our fights, had our epic moments, laughters, grudges but we're still standing strong. Nothing can ever break us apart <3

And last but not least, my companion <3 My boyfriend looks so good-looking in here :) I don't want to sound cheesy and I know 'You're my best' is really common but heck, that's what couples in love would say right? But just for Ashiq, I am so thankful for your presence and unconditional love. Thank you for all your support and for all the achievements you've made this year, I am really proud of you baby. :)


Now that it's 2012, it's a big year. I'm graduating come June and I can't wait to finally say I'm out of Uni. As for now, I'm so sick of studying. I know I shouldn't even feel sick with books just yet because I still have one final major thesis to work on. I want to travel, to explore, and to live life freely. I feel sorry for myself to poke this fantasy bubble of mine because I have a working bond right after I graduate. Sigh. So much for travelling. :(

Enough of the sighing. I should learn to make the best out of life. So here's to a great year ahead! Happy 2012! :D

love nad