I cried for far too long.

It's really funny how people think I'm all fine on the outside.
They have no idea how much I cried just because I don't look pretty like my friends.

Everyone has secrets.

Love nad

Escape

It was pitch black
Suffocating, unable to breathe
I closed my eyes

Cried for help but no one heard me
I lost my balance and fell off my feet
Found myself hanging by the thread

Helpless
I let myself drift
I let myself wander around, aimlessly

Love.

I love everyone. I love people who love me. I love avoiding unworthy people. I love people hugging me, but best of all, I love punching bitches on the face.

love nad

Stop for a while and look back

I've missed you too much.

love nad

Pride oh so thin

If I could turn back time, I definitely will.
As of now, I'm balancing on a strand of thread.
It's okay if it's a joke but I still need to survive.

Love nad

This has nothing to do with me, as of now, in case all of you are wondering. The boyfriend and I are doing really really well. :) I just came across this beautiful quote on facebook and I thought it'd be nice to have it here.

I realized I haven't been updating this space for a while now. I'm swallowed up by all the journals, projects, and of course the high school drama in my group. It annoys me just by the thought of it. Funny how friends can stab you in the back. Oh well, life as it is.

Sometimes I forget that friendships are fragile. I am tired of being nice.

love nad

Beautiful heart cracks

Just today, I learnt that friendships are not all pure, that relationships are really fragile, that painful memories cannot be forgotten even if it has been five years and just today, my heart gave way too easily.

love nad

Aidilfitri

Wishing all Muslims a very blessed Aidilfitri!

I know I am a little bit too late but it's better late than never. ;) I have been contemplating on posting a Raya post on the first day itself but I've been feeling too lazy lately. (I have a few unfinished drafts in my dashboard waiting to be published so that really explains how lazy I am at this point.)

Here's my Grandpa Joe and Grandma Na'esah. They can never get cheesy in front of us children (explains the formal shot) and it amuses me every time they blush when they're coaxed to act all mushy and cheesy in front of the camera.


My nuclear family. :) I am so blessed and thankful my family is back to normalcy. We overcame the rough journey, we endured and stood by one another. One important lesson that we've learnt, no matter how imperfect we are as a family, we are nothing without each other.


A colourful spectrum of my uncles, aunts and cousins. We are not of a huge family but Joe's family is wild enough (in a good way of course) to bring one whole block down.



My cousins and I. I am the oldest in the bunch. Boooo to that. I've always wished for an older brother or a sister because being the eldest can be burdensome at times. You are always expected to be at your best behaviour, do very well in your studies and the list goes on, really! All for one reason; you lead the rest.



My wonderful aunts, uncles and cousins from my dad's side. I am a lot closer to my mum's side but we are still close in one way or another. Besides, what is life without family? :)


I can never get over these two sweethearts. They are really cute, especially when they are engrossed in their baby talk.


Honestly speaking, I was disappointed at myself for not putting in any effort in dolling myself up. When I stand beside pretty, dolled up girls, my heart just gave way. A little bit too dramatic but that is exactly how I feel every time my self esteem is on the line. Sigh.

The weekend is here and the family has planned on Raya visitings on both days already. I AM LAZY to even think of dolling up but I'd definitely put in extra effort or you'd find me ranting again. :)

I shouldn't dwell myself in sadness so here's my sister, Hannah and I, wishing you a very happy Raya! :)

Lots of love
nad

Chins up and pull yourself together.

When things go wrong as they sometimes will
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but do not quit
Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit

-Unknown

We can never run away from the ups and downs of life. Always keep this in mind. When you are happy, always be thankful for the precious moments. When you are down, fret not. Have faith in yourself and instead of giving yourself reasons why you can't, give yourself reasons why you can.

love nad

I'm legal.

First and foremost, it is my big 21 today! :) The long awaited number is finally here and now that I am really 21 of age, I find myself in awe. I am a full fledged adult and my only wish is to be a successful woman, strong in character.

This year itself has been tottery. My mum was diagnosed with cancer, my family was encountering financial difficulties and that alone, was huge enough to bring me down. Thankfully, everything has subside now and I can only thank God for it. How true when they say tragedies always brings a family closer. I definitely second to that.

I have always lived my life with ease, without problems for I know I have my parents to deal with those. I took advantage of that fact until it struck me really hard when I learnt I was at risk of losing the most special person in my heart; my mum. Just this year alone, I've learnt the true meaning of faith. The firm faith I had in my mum's recovery and my faith in God's doings and blessings. Now that I am 21, I have become a stronger person and someone who makes life worth living.

My 21st party was well spent on a fantastic weekend, together with all my friends and loved ones. I celebrated my 21st with my girlfriend, Chantelle, and if you ask me, I have no regrets by doing so. Our party was held at a plush North Indian restaurant (I LOVE INDIAN FOOD) and it costs around $1k. Thankfully, the cost was divided and that gave me a little breathing space. The party was really amazing, with really really good food (the Naan was scrumptious!), an awesome company of friends plus Chantelle and I were really treated like princesses so I really shouldn't whine on forking out too much money.

On a negative note, my mum was disturbed by some of my 'friends' who did not turn up for my party, let alone RSVP. Let's just put it this way. I wouldn't want to act all high school and bitchy about this whole thing because only God knows what their reasons are. Besides, I have no rights over their lives and attending my party is really their choice. Their absence did not really matter to me but that definitely drew a line between the true and phony friends I have.

I better stop the rantings or you'd find me bitchy. I shall let the pictures do the talking then. :)

I proudly say I did this banner! Chantelle did the heart cutting and I finished off the rest. It was a last minute work (I woke up early before the party to finish this off) so pardon my workmanship. :) The restaurant had an enchanting background and we found it really cute to hang the banner in between the men.

Chantelle; she who lent me a shoulder when I cry, who shared my joy with me, watch me fail and succeed, bring me up when I fall. She is everything I could ask for. She cancelled her study trip to Scotland and now that I have her with me, I can't wait for school to start! :D

My beloved family came and I was really touched by their presence. :')

We specially ordered our cake in a shape of a key. 'The key to freedom' as I like to call it. It was a cake from Swensens and you know how delicious their ice-cream cakes are.

Here we are with our love ones. :) The crowd wanted us to exchange kisses, yeah, I get it, R21? Hahaha. Well, we suck at being all cheesy in front of people so here is a decent picture of us four.

I have more pictures but it is a hassle to upload here in blogger. The rest are in facebook. :)

The restaurant played a birthday song during cake cutting and I admit I was blushing throughout. All the attention and pairs of eyes were directed towards us and I was hoping so bad the song would end fast. Apparently, it did not. It went on for a few rounds and kept Chantelle and me giggling throughout.

All in all, I really had a blast at my party and I must say it was really an awesome 21! My friends pampered me with wonderful gifts, gifts I never thought I would have! :D So here is a big thank you for those who were there and I definitely know now who my true friends are.

Those aside, I must thank this pretty boy here on a personal note. :)

For the times I was really in need, you were there for me. Never once you left me on the ledge. It has been two years and a nearly a half that we have been together, never once have I thought of leaving you. You have always been with me, in different phases of life. I am no more a teenager. I am a woman who loves you dearly, who'd work really hard and be successful for us. You have never give up on life and for us, you would even go the other side of the world. If you are willing to do that, I'd risk everything to be with you.

I love you, A.

love nad

Don't wake me up.

I was expecting the sun to shine on me. Instead, I got drenched in pain.

love nad

Words and letters.

People judge.
How do you want them to look at you?
Where am I?
Who am I really?
Because, I, for one reason, lost my identity.

love nad

Pause and play.

It has now become a norm that Saturdays are spent with families or friends. The last time I spent my Saturday alone with the boyfriend was......(I swear I can't recall). People say it brings no good to a relationship if you haven't had a private date with your partner for long. Well, as much as I want a private time with my boyfriend sometimes, I personally prefer having company. So true to the saying, 'the more, the merrier'. It never fails to excite me every weekend.

Just last Saturday, I had a shopping spree with my cousin, Zakir. That's his girlfriend, right there.

They really remind me of the times I shared with H. So young and naive, freshmen in the polytechnic and dealing with the hiccups of their almost three years relationship. That was exactly how I was with H five years ago but the one thing that differs from Zakir's relationship; I found myself crying 3/4 of the time I was with H. The years have passed and I still find little bits of memories of him in me; not the happiness we shared but the pain he inflicted. It has been years since the break up but trust me, I'm still haunted by the heart break. It is funny how the person you once loved so dearly can cause so much pain in your life that it sometimes affect your current relationship.

I really hope these two love birds last forever, though I have striked 'forever' out of my dictionary. I've always wanted to grow up with my partner together, go through high school, polytechnic and climbing the career ladder together. I've failed the first time, but now that I'm with Ashiq, I'm giving my all to make it work.

My boyfriend once said, everyone has to experience a major heart break before having the right one. You make mistakes in the past relationship, you learn and make the current relationship a better one. I've always loved when he gives words of wisdom because most of the time, I find him hilariously annoying. I think I should emphasize on the word, ANNOYING. Though I can't deny, it is when he annoys me that I love him the most. :)

I've been wearing the princess hairband a bit too frequent now. I find myself too boring without it but with it, it made me extremely self conscious, especially when I received stares from strangers. Sigh. I am having girl problems. I want to look pretty but I don't even know where to start. My girlfriend said I should start living with the quote, "Loving yourself makes every part of you beautiful." Well, easy said than done huh?

My love bought me a jumpsuit for my birthday. :) It is costly for a jumpsuit (I've been contemplating in buying it for months) but my boyfriend bought it anyway! I'm definitely wearing it at my party come next weekend. :D

My baby sister has been spending way too much time with my boyfriend I'm starting to think she is emotionally attached to him. We always have our girly talks and she left me flabbergasted when she asked me not to leave Ashiq. She added things would be really different without Ashiq and she will not like it if I end up with a random Tom, Dick or Harry. I find her really adorable to even think of such things at a tender age.

We ended off the night with my all time favourite Ben and Jerry. I had an amazing weekend with this bunch! :D For now, I'm counting down the hours to tomorrow.

love nad

Dear Mr Genie, now that I'm turning 21..grant me my wishes.

My wishlist kept increasing by the day. By hook or by crook, I'll make sure I get each and every one of them. I'm not featuring all (I'm lazy) but here's a peek of my wants.

I've been looking for a pair of wide leg trousers but I couldn't find it anywhere. Sigh. I'm so madly in love with it. This pair of jeans is the new sex, especially when you match it with a gorgeous sexy pair of heels. I'm not a huge fan of jeans back in poly. You can always see me wearing a pair of hot pants, bandage dresses or skirts. My boyfriend claims I'm still stuck with my teenage look. Booooo. Think it's time to make a change to a more adult look! True Romance Eyeshadow Palette

This pretty thing is a palette of eight eyeshadow colors from tattoo-artist Kat Von D. The spectrum of colours will give you smoky eyes which instantly adds an air of mystery. I look ridiculously plain in pictures and look a lot worse in real life. I've always adored girls with gorgeous eye make up. Because I had complexion problems throughout my teenage years, I never wore any make up. Now that it has all cleared up (well mostly), I guess it's never too late to start my work of art!

Save money, save money, save money........

love nad

My saviour.

Youtube, I'm going to be highly dependent on you.

love nad

What are you?

You made me fall for your smile, all over again.

love nad

Keep it together.

In February this year, Mum broke the news to the family that she was diagnosed with cancer. My heart lurched upon hearing the heartwrenching news. Thankfully enough, with prayers from our dear friends and families, my nuclear family overcame this tragedy. For the faith I had in God, it all paid off.

Just yesterday, Mum decided we headed Geylang to get us baju kurung for Raya. To be honest, I find myself in an extreme apprehension at the thought of Raya. Getting a new suit for Raya did not even cross my mind. All I wanted was to have my family together, all healthy and happy. Mum did not think the same. Mum got both my sister and I two sets of suits each, which I thought was unneccassary. One suit costs near $200 and I really think the money is worth for other necessities.

"It's okay. I don't mind spending on the both of you because honestly, when I was told I was diagnosed with cancer, I didn't think I could spend Raya with you girls this year." I looked into her eyes, speechless. I felt my heart throbbed upon hearing what she said. Why didn't I even think of that? All this while, I took advantage of what God has given me.

Mum is an amazing woman and there is no one else who could take her place. After months of chemotherapy sessions, and now that she has completed all her cycles, I'm immensely proud of her determination. Now that my family is back to normalcy, I couldn't be any happier. The pictures of her undergoing her chemo sessions, all tattooed in my mind. I still remember how I was constantly worried about her health and how we'd make it through the months. I had school to worry about and I always have to accompany Dad in the emergency area at such unearthly hours. At times where Mum had a sudden fever attack in the wee hours of the morning and we had to rush her to the hospital at even 4am, leaving Dad and I to take a short nap in the car while waiting for Mum to be registered to a ward.

It wasn't completely smooth sailing but cliche' as this sounds, the experience has brought us so much closer. Those are memories I wouldn't want to keep but I still have them, carved so deep at the back of my mind.

The doctor has confirmed Mum's cancer cells are really gone. Sure, she still has to go for her monthly check ups but the worst is certainly over. God, I have no one else to thank but you.

love nad

A sudden, lengthy post.

The week has been pretty short because I was called a lot for relief. Just this week alone, I've earned a good amount of near $300. That definitely took a whole lot of burden off my chest because I've been really stressed up about the whole party planning. Speaking of which, Chantelle and I are in the midst of putting the pieces together and we really really hope our 21st would be a blast.

Party matters aside, I had a meet up with Cindy and Oli recently. We had a good time catching up at Clarke Quay but I realized we have a few differences now that we've drifted apart. It upsets me a little because we do not share similar wavelengths like how we used to. Back then in poly, we'd meet every single day and talk about the littlest randomest of things. Now that Cindy's a full grown working adult and Oli, giving his all in serving the nation (he does not mind staying in camp even during the weekends), we do not have anything common to talk about. It is true when they say, people grow up, change and have different principles and values of life.

Here's me and Cindy. I do not have a decent picture of Oli and myself. Besides, I loathe how the lighting emphasizes on my nose. I have an unexplainable disliking towards my nose. Sigh. I have a friend who had a nose surgery and I'm amazed at the wonders of the outcome. I really do not mind going under the knives but, I do not recall being a stringent Muslim the past years and I definitely do not want to add on my list of sins. First step to that, I got to love myself. Sounds easy but I find it really hard.

We had a scrumptious dinner. I should have ordered more since the gentleman offered us a treat. :p

-----------------

Ashiq and I constantly missed and longed for each other on weekdays. Being away from him gives me time to have a reflection of myself. I've always loved the short breaks in between classes, where I'd find myself in the office, scribbling a mindmap of my life on little pieces of paper I could find.

So, I have points 1, 2 and 3 settled. I've got a year left in Uni and I'd definitely give my all to get my Honors. I managed to get a scholarship from the Singapore Retailers Association (a tough fight because only 9 out of 30 got chosen) and since then, my future does not seem so bleak. I've attained a management position with my sponspored company and their offer does not disappoint me after a few negotiations. Once I sign the contract next Tuesday, I'd be a management trainee upon graduation. The thought of entering the real world really excites me but I'm pretty sure there are a lot of sacrifices to be made, especially in my relationship with my boyfriend. We've talked things out and of course, being an understanding boyfriend as he is, he is supporting me in achieving my goal.

Point 4 is a little bit 50:50 because I'm fully aware, taking Masters is no joke. Commitment and money. Without them all, stop talking. Marriage wise, I don't know. I'm not at all excited about that just yet. In fact, my boyfriend and I realized we have a lot, like literally A LOT in life that we have yet to explore and experience. So, the word 'marriage' is definitely striked as of now.

Mum on the other hand, think otherwise. She claimed Ashiq and I have been spending almost 3/4 of our lives together and thus, marriage would definitely come in four or five years to come. Sigh. The thought of that disgusts me as much as I do not want to get married early. I really hope that wouldn't happen because, really, I DO NOT WANT TO MARRY JUST YET. Like any sane girl, I'd want to be successful in my career and travel the world before settling down. Besides, once I graduate, I'll be so caught up in climbing the career ladder while my boyfriend will be so preoccupied with his studies, work and friends that we'll find very little time for ourselves. There, you see. Our future is all pre-planned but yet again, it all lies in the hands of God.

I am aware that love is not 100% concrete. But with Ashiq, I do not mind taking the risk. I love you baby.

love nad

Sweet lullaby

It is funny how two years have passed. I'm still having the butterflies everytime I look into your eyes. The only reason why you are special.

I love you baby :)

love nad

Toast to love.

Just on Thursday, I had a date with Sya. I've made a deal with myself that I will never ever neglect my friends. Guessed I'm still good at keeping the deal because I've been having weekly dates with all my friends since the semester holiday started. Though I must admit, I'd rather rot myself at home since the weather has been extremely devastating lately. The weather is the only reason I always find myself dreading the dates I've fixed with friends. That happens all the time but I'll end up heading home with a wide smile on my face because my dates have always been a blast, no matter who I hang out with.

For the second time in the week, I had ayam penyet for dinner. It didn't really matter because ayam penyet is by far, still my favourite. We had plenty to talk about and decided to settle down at Ben and Jerry. I had my cookies and cream flavoured ice cream and I could never be less satisfied. Of course, we had our usual spark of issues. Girl talks always get to me, those boyfriend issues, our future and a lot of others that I'm lazy to disclose. So that was it for Thursday. :)

I've been depressed lately and I was really looking forward to Saturday. My boyfriend has always been the cure to my depression and I'm really really blessed for his presence. He specifically planned a movie marathon (Harry Potter and Transformers) for our Saturday and being an annoying girlfriend as I usually am, I did not do him any justice. Sigh. I wasn't in the best of mood, really, and I just had to spoil the day just because I did not get to watch Harry Potter in imax. I was really upset because I promised my little sister we would catch Harry Potter in imax. I feel so sorry for her. I looked pretty fine in the picture because the least I could do, is to pose for a decent picture right? Sigh, I feel so bad for my boyfriend. Promise you next Saturday will be your day baby. I'll make it up to you. Your wish is my command.

I did not know what got into me yesterday. Have you ever feel like you're angry, like something is bothering you but you have no idea what it is exactly? I felt just that yesterday and sadly, I let my emotions took over me. Thank god my little sister tagged along because without her, my unstable emotions would definitely trigger a fight between me and my boyfriend. She is like the mediator between us and I really admire her for her sense of neutralism at such a raw age.

Bob came later in the evening to join us for dinner. We finally settled down at Coffee Bean for dinner and I was glad my bestfriend was working considering she'd always be on off during my last visits.

And....Harry Potter it was to end the night with. We did not managed to get seats in imax but I guessed watching it in 3D was already good enough. I forced myself to leave my expectations at the door and it was mildly satisfying. The movie ended near midnight and I was so glad Dad offered to fetch us because I really do not want to waste money on the rapidly increasing cab fare.

The last for all, I'm so thankful to have these people in my life. Despite my unexpected mood swings, they still stood by me. To you baby, I am sorry. I love you. Look forward to next weekend. I'll make it a blast.

love nad

If you ever ask me, I'd have replied I actually lost the meaning of 'happiness'. I forgot how to feel happy.

love nad

:)

It's only the second day of the week and I'm trying hard not to whine about how dull today was. The only highlight for the week as of now was Monday. I had a date with my girlfriend, Chantelle. She's leaving for Scotland come August and I wish time flies a lot slower. Considering we're inseperable in school throughout the four years we've been together, I'm really having a hard time letting her leave for Scotland. Honestly speaking, I'd very much love to continue my studies in Scotland, together with her but I have so many people that I can't live without back here in Singapore. Besides, the thought of ditching my studies while I'm there really haunts me. I wouldn't dare risk myself but I must admit, I'd feel a part of me missing because my girlfriend isn't with me the next semester. We're a pair and our schoolmates know that best.

We settled down at Starbucks just because we thought it is the most decent place to chill. We raved about the politics our clique of seven is currently facing. I wouldn't want to disclose it because the thought of it is already enough to make me puke. Girls and politics are best friends I must say, but getting so upset or extremely mad at unworthy people are just a waste of time.

Our birthdays are coming and we've planned for a combined birthday party. We got all hyped up on the planning and went to the extent of borrowing a pen from a stranger. We penned down our thoughts on a piece of serviette (credit to Starbucks). It was pretty embarrassing. That aside, I know it's best to have an individual party since it's a special 21st but I don't mind a bit to have it with Chantelle. We often question ourselves our titles in our friendship and despite the numerous titles, we'd go back to square one. We're not bestfriends, not close friends but just friends who care deeply for each other. I have an apprehensive uneasiness on the idea of friends forever or friends with titles and we often stumbled when people ask if we're bestfriends. Whatever the title is, I'm thankful for the friendship we have built these years.

Girlfriend aside, the ex-boyfriend whom my boyfriend loathe so much called recently. I'm terribly bothered by it because it does nothing but havoc to my relationship with my Ashiq. It's been five years now, but things haven't change a bit. His doings still haunt me. Five years and I'm still not over the pain. I am not and will not get over it. I hate sharing about him but this is a crucial part of how I came to be the person I was when I met Ashiq. Reliving this memory scares me because I'm aware love never lasts forever. Whatever it is, I'm willing to go through this journey with Ashiq.

I love you :)

love nad

My week has been really mundane I literally counted down the days to weekend. I work everyday. Besides, being a relief teacher dealing with annoying primary school kids just added to my misery. The only real highlight was to have my boyfriend hanging out with the family on Wednesday. We had everyone gathered in front of the tv for the weekly 'Kum kum' series. Yea, it was that simple but it brightened the few days of my week because time spent with my boyfriend is always amazing. :)

The week passed by so slowly, I was really itching for the weekend to come. Weekends are always 'Boyfriend days' as I would love to call it. :) Saturday started out pretty bleah at first just because I've long wanted a private date with my boyfriend but couldn't because we have a friend's 21st to attend to. The party's theme was cute, something fairytale-y and the dress code was to dress in bright and odd colours. Mine must have been really peculiar because I felt weird myself. I must say yesterday wasn't really my day because the top I was wearing just snapped. It's a sleeveless top, with gold chains hanging loosely on the shoulders. I must have pulled it too hard while tucking it in, the chain snapped. Sigh. That explains the cardigan which I think, is a total turn off. I loathe my hair and I had it cut earlier this afternoon. I'm not too happy about the new style but definitely think it's a lot better. What's new? I loathe everything about myself. Not healthy.

The party was pretty mild but my boyfriend, being the usual him never fails to lighten up the atmosphere. I bumped into a few friends whom I used to have a certain unexplainable disliking back then when I was in poly. We started exchanging smiles and engaged ourselves in apparently, very long conversations. I was surprised that I enjoyed the very contradicting plot.

While others were indulging themselves with a very scrumptious buffet, I found myself pondering on how my 21st should be. It's a month away, so many plans, so little time. I'm not sure if I'm really hyped up about the whole 21 thingy because being older just means a huge load of responsibilities. Responsibilities aside, I'm in the midst of putting the pieces of my dream party together.

love nad

Never expect too much or you'll drown in more disappointment. Our anniversary's tomorrow. Nothing to be excited about. Tomorrow is hell. Nevertherless, I can't wait to see you tomorrow Thamby. And yes, I just got excited. What irony.

I love you.

love nad

Good but bad.

Today was a rather pleasant day. I did not get my weekend stroll at Orchard Road but I should not rant as much because I spent quality time with boyfriend and sister. Since the boyfriend's mid-term exam falls on Monday, I have no choice but to sacrifice my weekend just so he could do his revision. Sister spent her time finishing her homework. It was really wise on her part because if I could recall correctly, I was never like her at an age of 13. I'd choose flipping through fashion magazines than indulging myself with school books on a weekend.

I'm so glad my sister is not like me at all because if she is, I have millions to worry about. The last thing I want from my sister is her to follow my footsteps. Seriously, if I could turn back time, I'd really change every little bit of me. From the uneccessary hang outs with friends whom have not bring me to any good, the unneccessary scoldings from my parents, the countless times my parents had to confiscate my phone just because I have a boyfriend.....really, the list goes on. I wouldn't call myself a rebel because I still obeyed my parents but certainly went against them at some points of life. My point is, notice the number of 'unneccassaries' I just stated.

Mum always say I'd be in NUS or NTU now if I have been studying diligently, heading back home straight after school, not mixing with the wrong group of friends and avoiding whatever that's not bringing me any success back when I was in high school. Well, I am not sure about the whole NUS and NTU thing because I loathe studying, very very much. I am only doing it for the sake of my future.

Come to think of it, I do not have any regrets about the mistakes I did. Because for one reason, I felt those mistakes are the reasons for who I am today. I fell, stood back up proving myself I can be better than who I used to be. Though I really must admit, I'd be in a local university now if I hadn't misbehave back then but oh well, I enjoyed my youth. That's what matters as of now (I really am comforting myself).

Now that I'm turning 21 and have yet to step into the world of 'heavy partying and clubbing', people do look at me differently. It really bothers me at times but I guess at the end of the day, realizing partying doesn't bring me any good sure help me in turning down the party offers. Sigh. Though I really want to have a taste of partying badly, guess that has to wait once I graduate from Uni next year. Then again, as I grew older, I realized my mindset has changed tremendously. I'd rather spend my days travelling than clubbing and getting wasted while jeopardizing my dignity. I don't know, I was just thinking.

Oh well, here's to maturity.

love nad

A little bit too much.

I am bored to my wits and I am already counting down to the new semester. I am really considering working for Ferragamo to occupy myself during the remaining holidays. I am not really sure if I should because lazing around at home till September doesn't sound that bad either. Besides, I foresee my boyfriend strongly procrastinating about the whole idea of joining Ferragamo again since we already have very little time to ourselves during the weekend.

Side track just a little bit. I received a heartwrenching news from Mum this afternoon. A distant aunt of mine was diagnosed with kidney failure years ago. As if that wasn't bad enough, she found out she had cancer early last month. If you were to think of it, dialysis and chemotherapy just don't go well together. Dialysis washes out the toxic in your body while chemotherapy allows medicine to flow through your veins to kill all the 'bad' cells as they call it. Based on that fact, her chemo sessions are delayed. As if God hasn't tested her enough, her scanning earlier this afternoon showed she has a blood clot in her heart. I really must say, she is one strong woman I definitely admire. God, please give her the strength to fight.

Mum has been really strict about the family's diet lately and Ashiq, that includes you too. Just so you know, Mum's not happy at you having fast-food almost every day. Probably you need a wake up call.

Honey, specially for you. Get this in your head.

Disadvantages of eating junk food : If this type of food becomes a habit, the immediate consequences may be overweight, high cholesterol, increased blood pressure, diabetes or cardiovascular disease.

To lead a blissful life, good health would suffice.

love nad

I LOVE YOU.

Let it roll.

Ending the night with hot milo and peanut butter bread can never be more perfect. My head still throbs and I am really controlling the temptation of popping pills. I shall not even brag about it. These few days have been pretty marvellous and I am delighted as of now.

Saturday was well spent with my lovely boyfriend. Shopping with the family on a Sunday really ended my week beautifully. I am pleased with what I bought; a Ted Baker dress, a Desigual dress (specially for the boyfriend who's madly in love with Desigual) and a pair of sandals from Forever 21. There were plenty of good deals I had trouble making a decision. Mum was such a sweetheart. She entertained my antics, shop to shop even though she wasn't as strong as before. She too, has been fulfilling her shopping desires. Not forgetting my annoying little sister who was ecstatic when Mum bought her dresses from Zara.

Mum's health has been improving lately and we are all elated. I admire her for her bravery and courage to fight her illness that has been eating up her strength as the days passed by. Despite that, she stood strong, fighting for herself and the family. Dad on the other hand, whom I see as an inspiration. Broken into pieces when Mum was diagnosed with cancer, he still put up a brave front, facing this tragedy like any real man would. I've always loved the times when he'd sent me for my scholarship interviews. We'd have our private talk in the car; the only time I could really find out his real emotions. Dad is an amazing man. I've always looked up to him and I still do. I love seeing how my parents care for each other. If that's true love, I do not mind dying for it.

As of today, my day wasn't as blue as any Mondays should be. It was nice. I had a 'Me, myself and I' time upon waiting for Belly's arrival. The long bus ride from Bt Batok to town allowed me to do a little bit of self-reflection. I deliberately opted for bus because knowing Belly, she isn't someone who prioritizes punctuality and indeed I was right. She arrived an hour late. I should not whine because I managed to grab a pair of ALDO heels (drools at it) while waiting for Belly. :) Trust me, it is very rare for me to do my shopping alone. Honestly, being alone wasn't as bad as I thought and I'd really love to do that again some day. Dinner was marvellous, awesome food with the right company (Belly, Chantelle and boyfriend.) :) Lastly, my boyfriend has been really sweet to me these days. I have no idea what has gotten into him, but I'm loving every second of it.

Cheers to more awesome days.

love nad

A lovely weekend can never make me any happier. Though my mood was dampened when my boyfriend took nearly a decade to reach. I couldn't bring myself to be mad because my heart immediately melted at the sight of him.

My day really picked up when he declared today was my day; which equates to...a pass to shopping endlessly, walk along the streets of Orchard Road without him whining and definitely have my way for almost everything. In actual fact, every dates have always been my way but I felt an extra tinge today just because he was more 'lovey-dovey' than the other days. Naturally, his sweet gestures were rewarded with plenty of hugs and kisses from me. *though I really think he showered me more with his kisses.

I really loved today. It was simple yet memorable. From the heart-to-heart talk bus ride to town, having me going crazy over the cheap sales at the flea, the polaroid charity (loved the most!), getting excited over Ayam Penyet, the long walk to Dhoby Ghaut where we giggled our hearts out making fun of each other, the stuffy bus back home which broke down and left my boyfriend cursing, the train ride home and us giggling at people, nibbling on chocolate waffles as we walked back home and of course, to top it all off, his goodbye kiss.

Today has been absolutely wonderful and I could never ask for more. :)

He is a beautiful cliche, tall, dark and handsome with the eyes of an angel and the heart of a saint and he is a cliche because he is a boy and he doesn't realise I'm madly and insanely in love with him.

love nad

The ceremony of words that patched my misery.

Dear Nadzirah

NATIONAL RETAIL SCHOLARSHIP PROGRAMME - LETTER OF OFFER

Congratulations! On behalf of the Singapore Retailers Association, Singapore Workforce Development Agency (WDA) and SPRING Singapore, it gives me great pleasure to inform you that you have been awarded the National Retail Scholarship 2011.

This scholarship will cover two years' tuition fees of your BA (Hons) in Retail Marketing course, 70% of which will be borne by WDA and SPRING Singapore, and the remaining 30% to be borne by your sponsor company. In addition, you will be provided a stipend of $19,200 (or $800 per month) to be paid out in 2 instalments, while you complete your degree course. Please note that you will have to serve a 2 years bond with your sponsor company upon graduation.

Finally, I clinched the scholarship! Days and nights of praying and that little faith I held on after I realized I screwed up big time in the last interview. Thank you God for you've enlightened my worries. Dad doesn't have to worry about my school fees and I do not have to slog so hard to satisfy my monthly shopping addictions cause with the $800, I literally can shop till I drop. Well of course, I'd not let the money flow rapidly. Thinking like a 21 year old should, the money shall be in my savings account for my rainy days. While I proudly say money is my least concern (just cause Dad told me I didn't have to worry about money at all), I'm more ecstatic about the bond. I'm on my way in achieving my goals, to be a buyer, merchandiser or a marketing director for fashion industries. I am really thankful to my parents, my favourite boy, my lovely girls; Ania, Chantelle and Sya for their encouragement and blessings. They are the reason for where I am today, to have achieve something that brought me nearer to my dream.

Another great news. Mum went for her scanning yesterday and we were all overjoyed upon hearing her recovery from cancer. God, I don't know how else to thank you but I'll repay you, though I'm not a stringent Muslim (I'm still trying). Indeed, this tragedy is a blessing in disguise for I've found true friends (at which I've eliminated those pretentious ones), giving the boyfriend a chance to show what he's worth to the family (I proudly say my boy is part of the family now) and lastly, this test from God which brought me to a higher level of maturity. I am now stronger, emotionally and physically, well just cause I'm left with no other options except to stay strong.

For that one special boy I'm really in love with, who stood by me through my ups and downs, received me in open arms, kissed me on the forehead and assured me everything would be fine, I really love you Ashiq. I'm the luckiest girl to have you and I promise I'd love you unconditionally.

I am so glad this is all over and my family's back to normalcy. Time for smiles love, bury your sorrows away.

love nad

Breathe in the different air.

I am perpetually restless and I decided to change (for the longest time, I had to endure my sister's whining on how dull the previous background looked) to a more cheerful outlook for my space.

Oh yes, I'm back. I realized I haven't been loyal to this space, thanks to tumblr, and because I was at a point in my life where my thoughts didn't really matter. While I find it compulsory to blog every minute of my life in detail in the yesteryears, I now feel that I lack vocabulary nor the patience to write about what I feel. Back in the years, I'd be enthralled, carried away by my thoughts, filling up the empty pages of my diary. My stories were real, some memorable while some allowed me to drown in my fears even up till date.

Well, I'm finally back. And happier than ever.I feel a lot more driven these days, and there's a different air about me. I don't write my posts for anyone but myself. Welcome back love.

love nad

Nothing else...

Dear you,

I can't tell you how thankful I am to have you cause the list will never end.

I love you Muhammad Ashiq Hamid.

love nad

It's really sad cause you're still not convinced you're the one I really love.

You'll know you've totally gotten over your ex when both of you are left to sit together, it feels so awkward and you pretend you're texting a friend.

Dear you,

I'd love to run away. Far from everything. I didn't think I got it. I'm trying hard to keep the little faith left in me to keep me breathing. I'm dealing the rejection pretty well but the parents' not helping in any bit. Yea, Mum, Dad, sure I'm keeping my faith, but if I don't get it, it's not the end of my world at least right? Let it go already.

Getting rejected equates to more worries. In money sense, I'm pretty much screwed. Really, I have no idea how. The long walk I took which I thought would be of a great help in my thinking backfired me. I got disturbed by immatured annoying boys who certainly didn't have any respect for girls. Totally made my day worse.

If saying 'Fuck it' helps, I wouldn't mind chanting it the whole day. God, I'm not giving up but at least, give me a glimpse of hope.

To you; A, I really wish I'm on the phone with you now. Just when I need you the most, you're not here.

Times I wish when Saturdays are only meant for me and you.

I felt so down the whole day today, though I tried hard to keep my emotions up for the sake of J, Marcus and Belly. Behind the smile of mine, I hid my misery, hoping my favourite boy would do the magic. I was wrong.

I've always expected too much. When will you ever learn Nad?

I miss you, I really do Ashiq.

Guess I really lost it. I don't feel pretty anymore.

Irony.

When we're too used to each other, we tend to forget the littlest things that actually carved the smile on our faces.

I don't have my say.

Dear you; though I'm not too sure if there's anyone reading this space, except for the very one boy I'm so in love with.

First and foremost, bear with me cause I foresee myself penning down my lengthy thoughts.

I've gotten my exam results and God, I must thank you for I've worked so hard. That aside, I got through 4 rounds of interview for my scholarship and I'm not really confident in the last interview. Sigh, I feel so miserable right after, well not to the extend of killing myself, but I guess you can say so. Trust me, it was that depressing knowing that your career is guaranteed upon graduation and you merely screwed up in the interview. Sad to say, I'm mentally prepared for disappointment. I'm really thankful I have very supportive friends like Ania and Chantelle whom I really love so much. Guess I'd still drown in sorrows up till now if not for their words of encouragement.

On a brighter note, Mum's recovering from her cancer. Dad, on the other hand, is having some financial difficulties. Mum's medical expenses, my little sis's surgery, my school fees and a million little things that weighs a lot on Dad's shoulders. Well, I wish I could do my part but I have no idea how to. In actual fact, I don't even know what I'm feeling. I feel so rushed, like a 40 year old trapped in a 20 year old body, having to worry about financial difficulties of the family and trying so hard to find alternatives to earn money. I wouldn't say I'll quit school because that is by the far, the most stupid thing to do but I thought of doing an internship. I'm not too sure if that's a good choice cause for one fact, I'd rather commit 100% in my studies. Thinking of these me feel like I'm forced to grow up. I have to worry about all these while my friends, prolly busy clubbing or having gatherings right now.

The boyfriend has been my pillar of support all these months and I'm so thankful for that.

One thing for sure, I'm not the girl I used to be. Indeed, tragedies are a blessing in disguise.

love nad

My favourite boy.

You've been my pillar of strength.
Life wouldn't be as wonderful and smooth-sailing without you.
Thank you for all the good times, your never ending support and of course, your unconditional love.

Muhammad Ashiq, my favourite boy.

That time of the year, again.

They say troubles make you a better person. Sure it does.
I should prolly start living my days with my favourite boy's quote;

"Life's a bitch."

Dear you, my life's all messed up. Well, not really cause I'm still surviving.

I know Dad's having a hard time. I wish I could help but I can't even help myself.

The boyfriend has been such a great support but he has his problems too.

Money is always the root of problems.

God, I am not asking to be rich, I just wish for strength.

I lost again.

Dear you,

I'm still awake at such an unearthly hour. My head still throbs like a motherfucker despite the 2 pills I've already popped in. Prolly must be the pressure of the interview. Sigh. It's so annoying when something doesn't go your way. I smoked my way through the interview earlier and I'm so sure I didn't do my best. Well, I just have to leave it that way. If it's meant to be mine, then it shall be. We shall just live with that.

On a brighter note, the boy and I are having our anniversary date tomorrow. We spell LION KING. Yup, you saw it. Gonna catch the 8pm show. Hope tomorrow will be a great day for us since we were on the rocks for the past week.

I LOVE YOU ASHIQ, I REALLY DO.

love nad

Times are hard but you kept me going.

Last Friday didn't turn out pretty well. My boyfriend just had to endure with my moodswings and things just turned sour from there. Bad evening for a Friday. And I thought hell ended when I got home. I was wrong. Mum had to rush to the hospital at such an unearthly hour because she was running an indeed, a high fever. Dad and I had to wait for hours till like 4am since Mum had to be under observation in the emergency ward. Yea, it was that bad. At times, I just can't bring myself to be strong. I quit pretending cause it takes a lot out of me. The wait at the hospital just couldn't get any better when the ex-bf(whom my bf loathe so much) had to call me and whined how miserable life is without me. He was at the club. CLUB. You saw it, prolly dancing his ass off, claiming clubbing is his only medicine to forget me. Fuck you really. Never ever whine about your life cause you have no idea what I am going through right now. And he texted about how he'd be there for me at the hospital instead of some club at that same night. What are you trying to prove? You talk a lot, no actions. Saturday wasn't any better. Plan was to stay in the hospital since Mum was warded while waiting for the bf to reach in the evening. But, as soon as I got there, my nose just had to be a bitch and Mum's doctor thought I was sick. My heart just fell cause I couldn't be there to take care of Mum. Mum's immune system is low after chemo so that explains everything yea? Right, I was so down, I cried prolly gallons of tears. Called the bf and got to his arms. How can I not love this boy? Sunday was a lot better since Saturday was well spent with the boyfriend. Bf did all the comforting so I could say, I was a bit stronger. Hospital again on a Sunday, together with bf, which brought us to a certain level. I love him more cause I know he's there for my family. I have no idea why I'm penning down these thoughts online, but I definitely feel a lot better. Mum, please, get well soon. We all need you. love nad

My story.

I left this space untouched. Thanks to tumblr. And of course, school. Besides, there's nothing much I can blog about as of now just cause I'm seriously tied down to tons of projects. Speaking of which, it was pretty unlucky of me to be paired with well, I must say, a female dog. Mundane life aside, I'm still pretty much in love with the same boy. It's like you know, it's more than love when you don't get tired of hearing the same voice every night, even if you keep repeating the same lines every few minutes. It is definitely love when you love smelling him even after he ended a long day of work and you'd walk to the end of the world just to see him smile.

ASHIQ.

2 years since we've been dating, and I still feel like it was yesterday. love nad

Open chapters and closed.

I don't love you like I used to.

You asked if I'm sure I've moved on. I know I have because when you wanted me to say those three words to you, I couldn't. I tried but I can't, cause I don't feel the same way about you.

For years, I've been waiting for that someone to help me forget you completely. And I've found him. I should prolly thank you because, if not for you, I'd never find someone like him.

Ashiq took over your place and he's here to stay. I'm sorry to say but he is the best.

love nad

Who do you think I am, seriously?

All this time, I tried so hard to please everyone. And it got me thinking why I bothered in the first place.

Mum and Dad are a pain in my ass.

Bf's not helping me a bit. I had my facebook invaded, him getting upset over trivial things and being the typical me, trying so hard to make things right. I seriously am, trying so hard, to be the perfect girlfriend. But you know, fuck it, really. I am done.

I'll do whatever I want, without anyone stopping me. I shall lose my limits and have myself say,

"I REALLY DON'T GIVE A FUCK."

Caught up.

I forgot I have a blogspot. Blame Tumblr.

Lalalalalalalala, I'm still in love with A. Always will, nothing will change.

love nad