To the man I used to know.

Dear you,

Today I was left broken, with my soul hanging on the line. I don't have the strength, the strength to pull myself together, the strength to play the role of a leader in the family. Life would be better if my other half is here in this tiny red dot of the map. I've missed you, my dear boy, always have. But I thought it's good that you're a million miles away just so you won't get into this dirty picture of what you call; my family.

I lived today with regrets; the thing I regretted the most in my 21 years of living. One by one, I tore old pictures of him and me. God knows what got into me. I have no idea, I just went berserk. I must admit I was disrespectful and I played the role of a daughter any parent would not wish to have. Is it my fault? Have I not made any effort to keep the four of us going? Did I not try hard enough?

What frustrates me the most was that straight look on your face. I don't feel your sincerity in your apologies. I could not sense a single bit of remorse, your hunger for us. And that one thing that crushed me if I could describe it as death; "I don't feel wanted here but I feel wanted there, like a family." That simple statement from you, which you may think it's harmless, was enough to crush my hopes and dreams for my future, our future, the four of us. You, the man in our lives, deserve my utmost respect for the years of sacrifices and unconditional love you've given to us.

You built our kingdom from scratch and I must say, you're the best any child could ever ask for. You've raised us well. I'm a graduate, I earn a decent amount of salary and don't you want to share my success? Your sacrifices, your support, your money and time dedicated to us all these years, just so we'd be someone valuable to the society. Don't you want to feel the 'fruits' of our hard work? I made sure I have everything any parent would be proud of, but you, of all people, had to ruin it all. Am I at fault?

I'm a vicious monster;  daughter any parent would not want to have. But am I wrong to protect the woman who brought me into this world? Am I to blame? I tore pictures of you and me, seeing how happy you were hugging me, oh how I miss your hug. I miss your love, I miss you. "I'd tape it all up once I've come to my senses", that was what I thought. Your heart must have sank when you picked up those torn pictures I scattered on the floor, pictures of you and me when we were happy, or more to..when you were happy being around us. How I wish I could tell you I'm truly remorseful of my actions and my heart gave way when I couldn't find the pictures anywhere. You must have thrown it. I'd very much love to ask you where you had put it, but my pride is definitely more important than anything else now. Egoistic as it sounds, you deserved it.

"To you, the man of my life, thank you for all the memories and the sacrifices you've made for us. I could not thank you enough, but my heart is already broken. I don't know who you are now Dad."

That call.

When she calls you randomly, with that meagre amount of voice

Asking you to spare just a few minutes of your time, to listen to what she has to say

Don't just say you'd return her call and hang up on her

For all you know, that was the moment she needed you the most

Expectations that kill.

So Valentine's Day is finally over. :) I must say it's entertaining to see Valentine's photos and status updates on my newsfeed. Some, showing off what their partners had in store for them, while a handful ranting about not receiving anything from their partners. And of course, not forgetting the remaining few, whining about how 'forever alone' they are.

At the end of the day, I had friends grumbling to me about not receiving any presents from their partners. I am not on anyone's side but as a girl myself, I tend to expect a lot from the boyfriend. And as much as you have your girls telling you not to set any expectations, you ignored them all instead. For this, I am so glad the boyfriend and I decided not to make a big huha on this very day cause who knows, if we did, I might be one of those girls grumbling about disappoinment.

Then again, are girls to be blamed? I'm afraid that's a definite no. For one reason, these boys used to, and I literally mean USED TO go all out to impress us girls. Rewind your memory, go back to the very first date you had with your boyfriend. He'd surprise you with flowers, dinner at posh restaurants, and even splurge on you on their very last bits of money. He would go all out to win your heart, even to the extent of folding hundreds of paper hearts. Three years down the road, reality check. None of this at all.

He won your heart but ooops, you got tricked instead. The boy who you think is really really sweet and would fold paper hearts for you is not who you think he is. He is just a boy, like any other Tom, Dick and Harry out there who make mistakes, tries so hard to be perfect but instead, creates more mess. You get really upset and mad because he just doesn't do what he used to do. That extra effort he used to put in to make you feel special and now that it has been years, the boy just forgets that you still need to be showered with love, care and concern.

The painful truth is, we girls expect too much from our boyfriends. I do that alot too and trust me, it is really unhealthy. I'd be lying if I say my relationship is perfect. We've been through hell but thank god, we made it through. I must say I've been disappointed in the boyfriend a million times. I have myself to blame because I expected too much. But sympathy on my part, you have no idea how my boy can be so ignorant at times that you literally feel like killing him. But reliving those memories again, it made me smile because it's his flaws that make him special. Despite those flaws that he possesses, he still makes an AMAZING boyfriend. :))

In a nutshell, I guess we got to constantly remind ourselves that there is no such thing as perfection. Humans can never ever be sweet and perfect all the time you know. So, slow down on your expectations. No one is perfect. My boyfriend is not perfect, I don't think I am perfect for him too and that's sad. :( But that aside, I guess it's really crucial that we accept each others' flaws and most importantly, accept the fact that his world doesn't revolve around you. A little bit too harsh but accept it, that's the only way to prevent yourself from the disappointment. This is a reminder to me too cause at times, I tend to forget that my boyfriend has a life and is human afterall. :)

Life is too short to be unhappy. Treasure those moments and make the best out of everything! :)

love nad

A-may-zing weekend.

It's been so long since I had a proper weekend date with the boyfriend. Considering the fact that we're always out with the family almost every weekend. So, it did felt extremely good to have the two days to ourselves. :)

I've been dying to spend the weekend in Sentosa. Initial plan was to beach and all, but both of us are just not the morning type. We overslept and had to ditch the idea of beach-ing. So, thank god for Sentosa Flowers, we had a great day after all.

I must confess the flowers are all so pretty and it was sad enough I did not have my camera with me. Dad brought it to Germany with him and I was left with my iphone camera which of course, doesn't deliver the quality.

One of the many shots I took. It is all so pretty I couldn't decide which to upload.

My nose looks exceptionally big in here. Moving on...

Here's the boy goofing around. It's funny how much he loves taking photos more than I do.

I hate posing for cameras, I feel stupid. I really adore girls who potray so much of confidence

in their pictures. I'm different, I just can't deliver them well. :(

We finally got a decent picture of us. We'd always find ourselves ranting after our picture was taken because somehow, we'd always end up asking someone with very poor camera skills to snap a picture of us. And the most we could do is to give a big smile and say thank you though the picture, was really.....really..bad.

I got excited over this. Such sweet thing. The queue was really long and by the time it was our turn, the sun had set. Sadly, my iphone camera did not do me any justice.

Since there was nothing else to do, or rather nothing else that we could think of, we decided to luge and skyride. :) The boyfriend and I have always wanted to do extreme things, like bungee jumping, stuff like that. I think I disappointed him when I changed my mind. The skyride was already hard enough for me to handle. I'm really really really terrified of heights. Poor boy, his hopes and dreams were crushed.

We ended the night sitting by the beach, hoping to catch a glimpse of the fireworks from the Song of the Sea. Eventually, we did, twice. :) It was great, a perfect night to be precise. Just us two, assuring each other that our love has never changed since the past 2 years plus we've been together. Indeed, it narrowed our gap.

At times, we're too comfortable with each other we forgot the littlest things that make them smile. It's refreshing to have some time alone, to remember all those beautiful times and bring them back to life again. :)

Sunday was no different. My little sister had her band perfomance for the River Hongbao. I was exhilirated because I've always wanted to go but the boyfriend just didn't want to. :( I probably forgot to mention that my boyfriend is not a fan of crowded places. I really should thank my sister, else I would not be able to go! I felt sorry for the boyfriend though. Haha.

Alright, done with the post. :) Weekend is only two nights away! :DD

love nad

The X says it all

I rummaged in his room for the 'forgotten treasure'. There it was, placed perfectly by the side of his bed. For the years I've been with him, I knew it was there. I've been procrastinating to open the box but curiosity kills me everytime I laid my eyes on it.

For I know I need a lot of courage to see what's inside and to console myself that the treasures are his past. As I opened the lid of the box, letters, cards, gift wrappers all arranged neatly leaving little space for any other gifts. It was hard but I did it anyway.

I plucked up courage and one by one, I took them out. Specks of dust on each letters and gifts just proves he hasn't touched it for centuries. There beside me, my boyfriend assuring me it is me that he loves. He knew I'd inflict myself with pain with every letter and cards that I read. I reassured him that I was able to take it, even if it was painful.

I read the letters of confession, the beautifully handwritten pieces of cards and self-made poems to him aloud. Their monthsaries, anniversaries, the photos they took together, and the very tiny little movie tickets, sweet wrappers that he kept in memory of her; his ex-girlfriend. Oh how it hurts, who am I lying?

He knew I was hurting, probably saw it through my eyes and my tone of voice as I read those letters, one by one. I stood strong trying hard to hold back the tears, making jokes about the gifts to cover up the grief I had caused myself. I probably regretted because I knew, I am not as great as her. I suck at drawing, I hate making cards, I can take a month and never come out with amazing love poems and the letters I wrote to my boyfriend, they were not as good as hers.

As much as I was heartbroken, I brushed it all off. If you girls are thinking of what I just did, please don't. Pain like that, not worthy just because you'll start comparing. I did. He kept their movie tickets, doesn't even keep mine. He kept her sweet wrapper, but threw mine. He made her cards, but I didn't receive any. They celebrated their monthsaries, but I have few memories of mine despite the 2 years plus we've been together. The list goes on. You probably think I should have listened to him and put them all away, left untouched. I'm glad I took them out, though it was painful, but now I know where I stand, how far he'd go for me.

Don't get me wrong. My boyfriend makes an amazing boyfriend and amongst my ex-es, he is the best. But hey, we can't be petty and got to understand that as we grow with time, we get really busy and making cards, letters, probably a waste of time. (Though I find boys making time to make pretty cards for their girlfriends really cute because really, how many actually does that? Those boys, deserve an 'A' for effort.)

And as for me, I don't think I'd show all my past treasures to my dear boyfriend. It hurts like hell and I wouldn't want him to feel insecure, like I did. I totally do not mind him keeping those because I have my treasures too. No way am I throwing those because, once upon a time, they were the ones who carved a smile on my face. :)

Keep the memories, let go of the feelings and look to the future. God bless.

love nad

Another moment of blunder

I broke your heart and all I could ever say was sorry. Cooped up in my room, wild thoughts running through my mind. The fear of you growing tired of my mistakes then leave me if someone better comes along. So many what ifs that can literally drive me crazy.

Fairytales never exist but I'm thankful to have fallen in love with you. You're the only one whose love is so surreal. You kept your promise when you said you'd never leave. Thank you. I don't make promises but believe me, there's no room for anyone else in this tiny heart of mine.

I don't want to destroy what we share all these years. I thought it's best I leave but I know it's not easy to stay away. Just for a moment, look into my eyes and trust me. If you only knew what I'm willing to give.

I love you dearly.

love nad

I have found him.

Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry?

Have you ever tell yourself it's dangerous to fall so deep in love?

We all have and we still take the risk.

Kept in the dark

Have you ever felt like you're wandering aimlessly? And you let your mind floats by, waiting for something amazing to happen? You counted down the days, the months but nothing great actually happens. Sad to say, that's me now.

I feel as though I'm stuck in a pool of mud, my movements restricted, hoping someone to rescue me but no one really came along. And the worst things of all, the person you think would understand you, doesn't. He just doesn't get it.

Sometimes I forget that my happiness does not depend on you. I need to constantly remind myself that fairytales never ever existed and that life and relationships are fragile. I need to do something with this life. I keep wanting to make something happen and I think it's time. Wait and see.

love nad

Brighter than sunshine

I had my happy pills on such a beautiful Saturday. Seeing John and Chantelle was enough to lift my spirits up. Speaking of which, I'm hyped up about our next meeting already! :D

Despite the scorching sun, we were pretty determined to carry on with picnic. I'm so glad we did because we had an amazing time. And of course, at such a pretty setting like this, having heart to heart talks are the best.

I love these two dearies here a lot! Been close since our poly years and we have been stronger ever since. :) But of course, we still have our small little bickerings here and there, but at the end of the day, we know we can't live without each other. <3


At the later part of the day, met the family for dinner. A great ending to a perfect Saturday. :)

My pillar of strength. Honestly speaking, I wouldn't have gone this far without them. They have done so much for me and I really can't wait to start work just so I can repay their deeds though I know it'd never be enough. :(

To have my love ones to end my night, I could not ask for more. :)

love nad

Bitter

It's the 13th and I feel so far away from you and they say, "Chin up girl, life doesn't stop here."

love nad

AND I FINALLY DID SOME SHOPPING!!!

In actual fact, I am not exhilirated as I sound. I was majorly crestfallen when I could not find the perfect ribbon blouse. Now that I'm home, I realised I've got a serious lack of funds in my bank. Come to think of it, I haven't even gotten everything in my wish list. I've overspent on things I think I wouldn't even wear. :( And, I still owe my boyfriend his birthday date. I'm in need of money, but money never falls from the sky does it?

Well, it's only January. I'm praying hard my relief teaching application is approved and I'm all out to earn money in the coming months. Well, you got to keep the faith.

love nad

Brand new start to a brand new year.

God heard my prayers. Thank you. I know I haven't been updating diligently but hey, spare me. Throughout the last bits of 2011, I have been swamped with loads of mugging for the most dreadful exams in my entire life..dates with friends..bla bla and of course Paris (the best way to end the year). I'd blog about Paris if I'm not lazy, but speaking of lazy, the first week of Jan has passed and I have yet to start on my thesis (at which we were constantly reminded on starting thesis in Dec). I'm sorry I wasted a few minutes of your life and you may close this page.

My point is I've gotten my results and I am so thankful. :) On another note, dear boyfriend has gotten his driving license and of course, that calls for a celebration! :D

Can't wait for weekend <3

love nad

So it's 2012!

Unbelievable how a year has passed in a blink of an eye. My friends had their resolutions perfectly listed on their spaces, I feel it's a little late for mine now. 2012 is finally here and I'm not sure if I should be all hyped up about it.

2011 has been an amazing ride. Mum had cancer at the beginning of the year and indeed it was a huge blow. It's been a year now but those memories, still carved deeply in my mind. The journey was rough but I'm glad we made it through. I had school to think of, my little sister to care for, and seeing Dad to stress about the costly bills were enough to drain me out. There, I found faith. Faith in God, faith in myself, faith in Dad who stood strong for the family, and most importantly, faith in Mum who fought strong for her life. But of course, I have friends who stood by me, to wipe my tears and convince me everything will be fine. My boyfriend was a sweetheart. He was there for me, and more importantly, for my family. Indeed, he's my pillar of strength and I can never thank him enough. I love you baby.

2011, I turned 21. My party was a blast and it drew a clear line between true friends and the fakers. It was upsetting but the boyfriend made me realised it's really not worth to have friends who stab you in the back. Life moves on and the good things kept coming. I did pretty well in school (semester 1 was a disaster!) and I managed to get a scholarship from the Singapore Retailer's Association. That I must say, was really surprising because I choked on my words throughout the many rounds of interviews. Besides, I had to compete with other students and only 9 got through. Thank you God.

To end such a 'rollercoaster' year, I kept myself occupied with my close friends and that feeling is amazing! Just because I don't go out as often on school days and to have my close friends by my side to end my year, it was beyond perfect.

Had a stroll with John along Orchard Rd just because I'm in love with the Christmas lights, such pretty things <3 It was fun, as always, with non-stop giggling and laughters.


Told Marcus I wanted to play with snow so badly! Well, foam was beautiful enough. :)

Starbucks date with my 2 perfect girls. How pretty and how I envy them. It's amazing how we've all grown from girls to women and we're still in each others' lives. :)

And who could ever forget? My annoying bestfriends whom I love so much. It has been 8 or probably 9 (I suck at Math) years since we've been together. We've changed, had our fights, had our epic moments, laughters, grudges but we're still standing strong. Nothing can ever break us apart <3

And last but not least, my companion <3 My boyfriend looks so good-looking in here :) I don't want to sound cheesy and I know 'You're my best' is really common but heck, that's what couples in love would say right? But just for Ashiq, I am so thankful for your presence and unconditional love. Thank you for all your support and for all the achievements you've made this year, I am really proud of you baby. :)


Now that it's 2012, it's a big year. I'm graduating come June and I can't wait to finally say I'm out of Uni. As for now, I'm so sick of studying. I know I shouldn't even feel sick with books just yet because I still have one final major thesis to work on. I want to travel, to explore, and to live life freely. I feel sorry for myself to poke this fantasy bubble of mine because I have a working bond right after I graduate. Sigh. So much for travelling. :(

Enough of the sighing. I should learn to make the best out of life. So here's to a great year ahead! Happy 2012! :D

love nad