J, turn back time.

Baby, I'm done. Are you?
Come back now. And spend time with me like how you used to.

I don't need others. I need you.

Is that how you see us?

Unbelievable.

She said to him, "Eh, so how you met your girlfriend?"
Moment of silence. One word, awkward.
And I jumped in, "Uh no, he's not my boyfriend."
He smiled.
"Oh really? You guys look compatible with one another!" *Giggles.
Okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. But, ummm. No.

I reached home near midnight. Joel wasn't very pleased, but not as angry as I'd have thought.
How can I not love this guy?

And I don't get how boys play the game.
You guys are not my fucking boyfriend so why do you have to bother what time I'm heading home. Who I'm out with.
Omg. Even Joel don't pester me with such questions. Annoying much.

Boy, I decided to love you on your birthday.

29 August 2009, I fell in love with M.J.
I'm sorry I took quite a while to realise my love for you.
I really love you.
And no, Md Joehairi, it's not you. You perasan.
Michael Jackson, it's time I confess. I love you.
Tell me it's not too late.

TGIF

2 girls and 3 boys went to Baybeats.
And I amazed myself.
Mosh. Let's do hardcore.
Sunday, another clique and I.
Perfect.
And my Phinoi girlfriend in her accent, "Hi, nak kenal kenal!"
Today, rocked.

p.s. pictures not with me. Say, toooooo badddddddd.

It's not everytime that I do a morning post.

Today, things just fell apart I felt so down I'd rather burn than fall so deep.

Your post boy. It hurts so bad.
Enough about you. Such pain. Thank you friend.

And as if my day wasn't bad enough, things just had to get worser.

"Babe, I think your wish came true. You won't see or hear from me already. Take care and I'll always miss you. I know you hate me saying this, but this will be the last, I love you."

And I thought Niz was joking that I replied,

"Oh great, I've been wishing for so long and only now that it's happening? Where you going? Kill yourself? You know the path to heaven? Don't get lost. Take care."

In a minute, I got his call.
Yup, and reality struck.
He's charged imprisonment for I don't know how long he refuses to tell me.
Reason for imprisonment, he went AWOL.
I swear I didn't know how to react but I had this insane feeling inside me.

Shoot me. I seem to have a problem. I can never take boys' words seriously.

I don't need drama.

Today, Joel and I had a good laugh.
My parents knew but they didn't laugh.
I thought they should coz it was a huge joke.
Buk proposed me for marriage.
And all along, I thought he was joking.
I'm only 19, fuck you.

The brain fucks.

I should say, my list of vocabulary has tremendously increased.
But to the extent if it's good or bad vocabulary, that remains a question.
Talking on the phone with Helmin, was crazy.
He cracked me up with his corny jokes most of the time and well, it kinda worked for me since holidays are just plain boring for now.
My girlfriends are busy with attachments, school, exams. Tell me about it.
And, Joel, keeping himself occupied being a New Urban Male Boy. Tsk.

Trust me. Helmind would always say,
"Amaciam? Jatuh pe babe?" or somewhat, "Mau kicap pe tu budak?"
I got influenced and thought it was cool at first that I started to use it on every sentence I've formed.
But, as the conversation went on, I found the words, a bit too deafening to the ears.
No offence to the mats here. Peace.
Speaking of which, I find it an irony coz my friend here's totally not a Mat.

Then again, with this usage of words.
I simply don't find the link between how the Mats put it and what they actually mean.
Like, "Amaciam? Jatuh pe babe?" In Mat context, it means, "Deal?"
while, "Mau kicap pe tu budak?" simply means, "You wanna teach him a lesson?"
Why use kicap? Or jatuh?
Till now, I've been trying but my questions, still unanswered.

"Tsk. Tak paham. Tak paham."

I'm Pot and you're Kettle. We're both black.

Well, I should be sleeping now. But my eyes just couldn't shut.
I got a conversation stuck in my mind and it brought me to reality.
Life can change in an instant and it's not forever smooth sailing.
I foresee this post's going to be a long one, so gear up or if you'd choose to leave, farewell. :)

Earlier in the afternoon, I bumped into S on my way to Grandma's.
It's been ages since we last met so she decided to drive me off to Grandma.
S's like my super close girlfriend when I was 14.
We shared the same values, beliefs and what not. Take note, it's sharED.
She wanted to get some stuffs so I decided to accompany her since it's still early.
And, as we went on, I realised she, or me, more to us, have changed. A lot.
Well, it's been 5 years. And, the sad fact was, we changed for the worse.
I don't know what made us lose our way, but shit happens.

As she told her stories, it struck me hard her life's not as smooth sailing as it used to be.
She was a girl who took her studies seriously, topped in every single thing.
Things are different now.
She dropped out of school for a year and a half, got debarred, whatever shits you could think of. One conclusion, she's super screwed.
I was flabbergasted. If that's the right word.
And one reason that led her to these shits : BOYFRIEND.
She told me in a very calm manner saying she got into a depression when her boyfriend dumped her. How he left her with tonnes of bills unpaid. And mind you, it's HIS bills.
I seriously gave her the what-the-fuck reaction.
Boys, hate me if you have to, but seriously, you guys suck.

But, to think of it, boys and education? A major destroyer.
I couldn't help myself from cursing her earlier coz I just thought she was dumb.
She still gave me a wide smile and claimed she loves him.
Oh girl, just what is in your mind?!

Then again, I couldn't say much, coz ya, it applies the same to me.
The only boy who made me cry so hard, got me into trouble, made me look like a fool.
Was, yes girlfriends. You know who. The ex.
I'm not sure if Joel could make me cry that hard but I doubt so.
Memories of me skipping classes and rushing to Ngee Ann to see him after his class.
Spending the evening out till late though I have a fucking 40% test the next day.
And of course, I screwed up.
With a GPA which could hardly bring me to any of the local Unis, I swear I felt like quitting.
I wasn't born a blamer so I shall not blame him. Though I loathe him so much for all this.
I take the blame for my stupidity, for thinking boyfriend's everything.
This really explains why I do not commit so much in my relationship with Joel.

Our conversation got deeper as we went on.
And she managed to surprise me with her stories.
She told me she wasn't a virgin anymore and honestly, I was beyond shocked.
I swear I felt like biting her to death but, that's her life. She has chosen it to be that way.
Where were the values we shared?
The promise we made that we'd stay virgins till we're married.
Making out sessions are small games I play with and that, doesn't even matter.
Well, to me at least. It's just, making out.
From talking about sex to....
"I don't care who breaks my vagina first. The last is the one that's special."
That's what you say S. My values are still instilled in me. Deep inside.

I'm as wild as you.

I play small games. You play it big.

Then again, I'm disappointed in you S.

Your values and mine. It's not on the same page.

Call me conservative, but sex before marriage, is not my game.

p.s. And I've warned it's a fucking long post.

If I ever offended anyone, a thousand apologies.

Is this why I love?
I'm not being all sentimental.
But, I've been wondering.
Prolly it's these girls who have shown me what love is.
Despite their annoying antics, everything about them is perfect.

Sarah Isabella.

The youngest who acts as if she's all grown up.

Hannah Zulkiflee.

And yes, another annoying brat.

Beneath her irritating personality, she has her sweet side.

She's the one who saved me during every emotional upheaval.

Together, we made Dad promise to love us and only us.

The late call.

So, today was pretty amazing.
My birthday celebration with my family was simple yet sweet.
We had an awesome dinner and of course, met Joel.
Thank you so so much.

We got home around 10.

Just as I stepped into the house, I received a call.

"Hello pretty! Look at your car park!"

There I have it, my guyfriend waiting in his car.

Mama was sweet enough to let me go out that late.

I couldn't deny he looks ultra cute behind the wheel.

Seeing him smiling from ear to ear like a child in Toys R Us.

Just that kids are a lot easier to please.

I swear he had more fun than me.

How long has it been again?

My feelings today was more concrete than ever.

So, he sped his way through.

80km/h in a busy neighbourhood area.

I could just scream to my death.

I kept myself quiet, too busy thinking what he has for me to care on the speed.

Just as I thought it's going to be just the two of us, there was everyone!

My heart melted into syrup.

This, from those whom I've expected to be, mutual friends.

You guys are unknowingly my loves.

p.s. I've got tonnes of pictures, but I look pretty hideous and yes, it's not surprising.

Thank you oh so much.

My birthday celebration today.

Beyond awesome.

Thanks love.

Then again, fuck, I'm 19 already.

How depressing.

Your 4 Years of Waiting

4 years is not long enough.

Wait for me longer.

My answer; still unchanged.

For one simple reason, you're just my friend.

Perfect timing. Thank you.

And you left.
To think I'll be fine.
No, I'm not.
I have a fucking exam on Friday.
Argh, why now?
Assume I'm strong.

Not easy, tell me.

Saying I love you is easy.
To mean what you say.
It brings I love you to a whole new level.

I tell you...

Let me tell you boy.

I can't stand your degree of complexity.

You're shallow.

Read me now.

My lips, I mean.

You, again. Nevermind. Stay, I'm happy.

"Wait for my call ok! Just wait! I've got a surprise for you. Love you. I still do."-The ex.

I was your Juliet and you were my Romeo.
Daddy asked me to stay away coz you were not worth it.
But, please don't go. I have to say that.

"Juliet, I apologise, I didn't mean to scare you. I'd pull out the ring and say, MARRY ME JULIET."- The ex.

But, Romeo, you're long gone.

I can live without you but, without you I'll be miserable at best.

Exams, how mean can you be?

Ouch! Mama, my chest hurts!

Give me NO excuses

And I screwed up my first paper
In conclusion, I had a bad start.

Breaking down now is not of any help.
And I thought I'd be a good girl and head home straight today.

Dumb thoughts.
I went out with Joel and Marcus.
Crashed Joel's place.
Then, Jay called. And he's a psycho. A big time psycho.
"Nadz, can I ask you something? Who's Joel to you?"
I'm like, huh, what the fuck. Why this? J's my boyfriend uh.
"Really? Coz he's in front of me hugging a girl!"
That point of time, I laughed my ass off! I swear.
Coz Joel's right beside me the time Jay called!
Gosh, wtf seriously!

And for dinner, I met Amad, the kampung boy, at Clarke Quay.
Initially, it was just, us. Fatimah and Amad ;)
Then, it expanded to five.
The boys got crazy in their jokes.
I became a full time passive smoker.
Spare me a life please.

For supper, I met the family.
Sarah was effing cute.
She ordered a drink for me and when asked to pay.
"I give you finger uh!" Yes, she screamed while pointing the middle finger.
Oh fuck. How corrupted and she's freaking 4!
So I should say, my Friday was perfect despite the bad start.
Someone, please knock me on the head and tell me I have exam on Monday!
Oh wait, I think Mr Bed's calling me.

Your love for me is, yes baby, it's weird.

Today, in.
Tomorrow, out.


I asked the boyfriend, How you're doing with your studying?
His reply, I'm doing great love. Because you're not with me to distract.
And I go, Hunn, you're an A-hole!

And..

And if you ask me if I hate you,
I'd say, yes.

You, a pain

You said one thing and you meant a different thing.
Fuck you.

The long awaited call

And I saw my ex-boyfriend's name on my handphone screen
I didn't know if I should get excited or frown in anger
I picked up still and he went
"Hi Baby, how you doing?"
We chatted for hours
Yes, of course, his guitar and himself
Never left out
We giggled, it was nice
And then he said, "You know, I still love you. I'm not over you."

I can only say, STOP leaving and then return.
It's tiring coz I don't love you and I'm SO OVER you.

"So, tell me. Did I do great here?"

Tomorrow, please don't come

My hp's bill gone way beyond the limit

I'm super screwed

And I have no idea how to face Dad tomorrow

God, bless me

"Dad, I used my hp for projects, really!"

p.s.Does that sound convincing? I hope it does.

The attack

I should be hospitalised today
But, I have this phobia for hospitals and I do have a choice
I backed out, uhhuhh
My fever's being a bitch
It reached to almost 40 degrees and I swear I felt like dying already
So, I'd be under observation for like 3 days and if there's no changes
You know what it means, freaks me a out a little coz fuck, exams next friday!
And screw it, my asthma's back after like 6 years

Tomorrow's supposed to be a date out with the clique
Cycling it should be but they cancelled it since I'm quarantined and all
Such sweet people but then again, guilt struck me

"Actually, I miss that someone :("

Our love stands freedom, says he

"I always let you out to play, but you have to come back"

Now that I'm thinking about it

It's just amazing how we tell each other on our dates

We'd always find something to laugh about in the end

Even if at that current moment, you feel like slapping his face so fucking hard

At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter to us

And I know some people would go,

"Too much freedom is never a good thing."

Oh-oh! Screwed much

Mum was reading on the ban of shisha-ing at Arab Street
She was reading it aloud
Well, apparently I overreacted like a bit I think
Or prolly, it was a lot
Coz I literally jumped off my chair to get a better look at the page

For a second she stared at me hard
And I'm like, ok, shit, I'm screwed already
Then she asked me the effing super shocking question
Nah, I kinda expected it somehow
"You shisha is it?!"
Of course, I was defensive and I go like "Crazy uh, no la!"
Ok, somehow, lying too much is not a good thing
I think I exposed myself already

Then again,

"What's Arab St without shisha?! Fuck!"

Ah yi, wo shi malai ren

As much as I want to be different, I find myself lousy
Listening to my girlfriends' stories
Where they dinner with the boyfriend's family
Sleepover at their boyfriend's
And of course, such close bond with one important person; the boyfriend's Mum
Envy envy much

I have all these too, just like my girls
I dinner-ed with J's parents
Shopped with his family
Family celebration together
I crashed his place
What more? Almost everything a boyfriend girlfriend should have
But I only lack in one thing; communication

A year plus with my chinese boyfriend
I can converse well in Mandarin already, the boyfriend claims
I haven't got any problem with J's parents and they treat me like I'm theirs
Sadly, communication's the barrier
Thankfully enough, my Mandarin's not that bad and yes, we can talk
But, it just stops there and it kind of sucks
You know, the feeling? Yea, that.

I just wish I can speak fluently without the stutter and all
So, dinner alone with his Mum wouldn't be a problem

"Mum, my girlfriend's Malay"

says J, 1 and a half year ago

My boyfriend and I

Today, my boyfriend and I.....











And this is what I call, the cliff hanger..

Much loves,

Nadz

You, bestfriend, my love

Dee, just so you know, I'll always be there for you
When you're down, I feel it too
I know you need your space
And so, I didn't ask
Prolly you'd be busy or something
But, then again, please know, your bestfriends behind you

"You and me"

My naked heart

At 1830, on the 30th of July.. my heart gave way.

Not literally.. but it takes ‘heartless’ to a whole different meaning.

"How could you be so heartless?"