Torment.

10.30pm. I know I shouldn't wait. It's fine. I'll wait.

Edited.

2.26am. I give up. My mind's going wild enough. You're prolly clubbing, grinding, I don't know. Why do I even care? But at least be nice to me, and text me your morning message. And the only thing I'm hoping to know is, "I've been sleeping sweet."

Let's just see.

p.s. If you're wasting yourself away, it's fair, it's fair. Whateffs.

Talk through the night with Zach shall we.

Baby, I miss your soft lips.

Every night, I'd cry when he puts me to sleep.
Every night, I'd have him telling me to move on.
Every night, I'd ask if he'll be by my side.
Every night, I'd have him assuring me he'll never leave.
Every night, I'd wish for a different night. Without the tears, only laughter.
And that night, has yet to come.

I miss these boys. I miss the one on the left more. My baby, J.

At least, shoot me.

Dear J,

I cried so hard on our date today. Just for this one night I will not think about you. I will have fun, and laugh again. And enjoy every minute. Tomorrow I will deal with the hangover.

Who says I care?

J's over at Zouk now. I know I shouldn't care and I'm not saying that I care. All I care is to see him tomorrow for our lunch date and tell him how much I've missed him.





But, I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen. The 'I miss you' part.

To that boy.

I said.

Don't bother waiting coz I don't want to get over J.

If you're single and you're down you shout LEPAK.

7 days more and school's gonna start. Ask me if it's awesome. Hell yeah, I can't wait. Till then, I shall just spend my days lepaking with everyone. Then again, come to think of it, school days. It doesn't make a difference. Not as if I won't lepak. So, I reckon lepaking again? And it's the last semester already.

Baby, it's our anniversary today. I mean, supposed to be.

I'm waiting for J's call to put me to sleep. How can I not love my ex-boyfriend?

You know, I'm still not over the fact that I'm already single. I should mix around more with the singles. Oh wait, almost all my friends are single. Nice.

Ah Dang.

First and foremost, I'm pretty much happy today coz I spent a little little bit of conversations with the girls I missed. Especially, my dear Sya. Seriously, I hate how attachments are killing my friends. So screw that. I so can't wait for Sunday and I swear I'd hug her like crazy. That is, if my face gets better. So, God, spare me.

But of course, my lovely bestfriend Dee, who's a lil bit heartbroken on the inside. Sweetheart, let's just have fun and not care about love shall we? Love hates everyone. For now.

Oh, screw much. I forgot to tell J about the dream I had last night. And J, I wish that dream was real. I miss you baby. But , I can't say it coz we're friends. Oh well.

Time says it all.

Everyone says it takes time to heal. Shit, I can't breathe.

Shoot you down.

Just in case my softer side take over me, I'd just do this now. I loathe friends whom I've been there for and when I seriously need them by my side, pooof. Gone like that.

Ya, you read this. It's you. How's the guilt coming along? Pretty fine I must say.

Longing for that smile.

I wasn't on cloud 7, or 8. I was on cloud 9 throughout the day. I had baby Chantal and her boyfriend, Philip for lunch. *Cough cough.* And of course, meet my Syg Anizzah. These loves, oh well, oh well.

And such lovely people to end my night. Marcus and Joel for dinner. That smile on him, his hug. I almost cried. Almost. I didn't eventually. Coz I know, he still loves me.

"You boys, I'll never leave."

I don't want to get over with J.

To me, it only takes one boy to bring 'I love you' to a whole new meaning. And it's only you, J. Other boys say 'I love you.' I don't feel it, I don't want to. Coz those words, I want to hear only from your mouth.

Oh ya, and today, I did what we do best. Lying to surveyors. "My gf's name is Claudia." I wish you were with me just now to fool them. And I miss you whining on how we're mean to fool them. Totally not our fault J, coz it's them who thinks I'm Chinese. We're just having, ummm, fun.


And today, they approached me and said the exact same thing when I told them my real name. "Oh, you're Malay? I thought you're Chinese." And me, being us. "Ya, I'm Chinese. And Malay, and a little bit of Indian. My name's Claudia Nadz Ng." See J? Your surname, it stays with me. Oh well, I wish you were there beside me to laugh it off just like you used to.

I so can't wait to see you tomorrow J! I love you, but this remains my secret.

Msn. An alternative for love letter.

Z. says:
*N,
*please don't ever make me go thru this again.
*i'm like lifeless la.
*felt lost not seeing you for a LONG period of time.
*4 days = 400000000000000000 DECADES to me.

Nadz says,"I wanna be pink ranger coz he's blue." says:
*haha.
*merepek la u.

Z. says:
*no.
*not merepek lor.
*hahah.

Nadz says,"I wanna be pink ranger coz he's blue." says:
*haha. shut up la.

Z. says:
*kay la kay la.
*OH YA!
*I CAN'T WAIT TO TICKLE YOU ON TUES!
*hahahaha.
*I MISS YOUR SMILE
*I MISS YOUR LAUGHTER
*I MISS YOUR VOICE
*I MISS YOUR FACE

Nadz says,"I wanna be pink ranger coz he's blue." says:
*awwwwwwwwww.
*haha.

Z. says:
*I MISS YOUR LEGS

Nadz says,"I wanna be pink ranger coz he's blue." says:
*ok ok, my everything.

Z. says:
*I MISS YOUR EVERYTHING

Nadz says,"I wanna be pink ranger coz he's blue." says:
*sounds wrong already.

Z. says:
*I MISS YOU
*HAHHAHAH

Nadz says,"I wanna be pink ranger coz he's blue." says:
*SHUT UP.

Z. says:
*don't care.
*hahaha.

And I wonder why I still care for J when I have others to care about me.

Coz I just can't help it.

Note to self : If J calls me once he's done with his midnight supper with his boys, he still loves me.


P.s. Someone, ask me to fucking move on please. And I vow, I'll stop smoking.

Sentosa with bestfriend doesn't ease my pain either. J, only you.

And so I thought hanging out with the bestfriend would help me forget J. Snap, I was wrong. It hurts me more the fact that Sentosa is, I mean was, J and my favourite place.

Still had fun, all the laughter, from 'the sun scorch seh' (stupid as it sounds and it became my joke), the so-called 'today only 5 sticks ok. cut down!' but we ended up having 10. And you whining like a girl with the 'eh, I'm damn skinny fuck.' Tsk. I know la. Then we'll just giggle making this skinny topic a joke. All of those, thank you bestfriend.

I just hate how I'm relying on ciggarettes now to feel better. It's dumb. I know. But fuck it.



On my last note, I love J. Like crazy. He called me at noon today and he went, 'N, you smoke today?' I said, NO. Oh well. What the fuck.

J, can we please not end our love story?

Tonight was the night.

Tonight, J made me his girlfriend. Our kisses, our hugs and the tears. Tonight shall be an exception coz I miss you so much and this, will be the last, he claimed. That 10 minutes we had, it felt like years. J, I feel so right beside you.

Thank you for tonight baby (just tonight as you claimed, tomorrow you shall be J). You always know the right words to say, the right places to touch and I haven’t seen my favourite smile in a little while, so that practically brightened up my night.

And I hated you for a second when you threw my 'newly bought' pack of ciggs. Really, I've never hated you, but that thing you did just now, wasn't at all macho. I should have taken the $10 you offered but sheesh, so much for wanting to be sweet.

I'm glad J, coz tonight, you spoke your heart out. And all of those, was what I wanted to hear. I love you baby. Tuck me in now baby. I'm tired already.

p.s. Can't wait for our next date bf! Oh wait, correction, friend.

Only J.

Z, you made up for everything today. It didn't even crossed my mind that it is you who can bring back the smile on me. I'm sorry I misunderstood your intentions, and I can't believe I'm saying this now but really, thanks for being there even though I had no inclinations that it is you who'd give me the smile. But really, I don't want another. Don't rush me.

On the other side, J just got back from his 'all boys' holiday. He's tucking me in to bed tonight and all I want to do is to hit the rewind button then pause. Because, it's only his voice I wanna hear. Sweet right? I know. Ha ha.

And I can't wait to get on cloud 9 tomorrow! J for dinner :)

False Pretence

J, I'm drowning now that you're gone. You pamper me too much and now that I'm on my own, I can't stand on my feet.

Hurry back now from your holiday and I'll have you like I used to.

I love you friend.

Family play the blame game. J and I don't. Coz it's love we're talking about.

Me : J, have you told your family? I have.

J : Yes Nad. I have.

Me : Oh, what did they say?

J : They said we shouldn't break up. And you should convert to Christian. They think you're too conservative.

Me : Fuck. You just don't get it? And why don't you be a Muslim?

J : You know I won't do that. And what did your family say?

Me : That I should give you time and see if you'd change your mind? And you should convert since you're a free thinker?

J : *sighs

Me : J, whatever it is, I love you.

'He' and 'J'.

He, the photographer.

He takes nice shots with his DSLR. He finds girls who smokes very hot. He does everything and anything, even if he has to wake up at 7.30am on a Saturday to accompany me to town. He claims he'd do anything to make me happy.

But whatever it is, you can't compete with J. Coz J, stays on top.

J, my lover.

He, whom I love very very much. And there he says, "Sometimes, people who love each other do not have to end up together. The relationship may end but the love still stays." He, who used to call me every night, now that we are friends, everything has to stop. He prefers texting. And now, I tell you this J. I'd never stop texting you even if the bill costs a bomb. My life's complete just as long as you check on me every single day. I love you.

Boys, who try too hard.

I see the extra effort. The sweet morning messages to make sure I'm fine, the so-called 'meet up for lunch so I can comfort you.' The late night calls so I won't feel lonely. Honestly, though I'm touched with all of your actions, I don't need unnecessary attention. Because my bestfriends are here for me. And that's all that matters.

J, if only, you, a Malay. I swear, I'd never leave you.

I'm on the phone with J.

"J, I love you so much. I really miss you. And my life's really incomplete without you."

And I wish I can say this to you now. But, friends don't say that to each other.

Don't let go.

J: I'm always here by your side ok. I won't leave you. We still can go shopping together. But I can't be there with you if you have a boyfriend ok?

Me : I don't want a boyfriend.

J : Why? There's a lot of boys waiting for you.

Me : Because you only go out with girls who are not attached.

TROUBLED LIFE.

Smoke tobacco. Fuck.

Smoke my life away and I don't give a shit.

Thanks for asking and of course I'm not fine. Jurong Primary called for work today and I was supposed to relief my sis's class. I had to turn down the offer coz there is no way I'm bailing out on the boys. Fafa can't make it sadly coz she just got grounded.

So they were sweet enough to skip school to keep me company. Tell me. If this is not friends, then what is. They brought to a lot of places I don't bother to know. Seriously, I'm still effing weak. Fuck. I just can't stand this anymore. Right, be strong, be strong. How strong? It doesn't help does it?

And so I smoked my life away. Screw much. I think it was 10 sticks?But trust me, that's pretty fine coz the boys finished one pack each in fucking 3 hours. Tsk. And we sheesha-ed at night. Awesome. Drown my sorrows in smoke.

Fine, I shall cry myself to sleep now. I swear tonight's going to be a hell of a night. Again.

And he said, "It is when you're down that you'll find strength." Strength, I don't see you coming.

J, I close my eyes so I can see you. I love you. Always.

On a brighter note, congratulations to my team for making it through the University of Adelaide thingy. I don't give a shit really, but I'm in. So yea. At least there's something to carve a smile.

Honestly, this is so supposed to be Monday's. My bad for getting emo all over and too weak to even eat. Break up always suck. Fuck it. My eyes are efffing swollen and I don't give a shit if I don't look pretty.

I'm addicted to working now. Think I'm a bitch for bailing out some friends on Monday. Really sorry but I think I have the right to find my happiness and I'm pretty sure it's these kids that put a smile on my face. 6B, I really love you.

p.s Mind my eyes. Ass.

The ring that gives the status.

Today wasn't much of a nice day. I was at my lowest point today but tell me what's new. Though this time, it was a different kind of 'lowest point'. To start with, being 19 isn't much of a fun. Seeing all your friends, well correction, not all, but a segment of them settling down with their partners and all. It just gives you goosebump. Everyone's settled down. Well, almost everyone. Myself? Being single, it makes it a lot worse.

Mum made me go to Shiq's wedding. Effing pissed. Just why she made me do that? Not as if I'd be happy to see him and in his part, happy to see me. Instead, we exchanged fake smiles. Fuck. Then again, congrats to you on your wedding. Our history, doesn't affect me a bit. Really. And wow, he's married. He's barely 22.

And just as I thought everything was over, we headed to my cousin's engagement. Oh ya, she's freaking 20. I'm happy for her. Sad for myself. I'm 19 and who the hell I'm with? No one. Kudos to me.

Freaking finally, another friend of mine who turns 23 this year, yea she too. Getting engaged this October. Wait, tell me. Is this a trend or I'm already old for all this? And I still feel I'm 9.

See, everyone's settled down. With the right one. Myself? Tell me. It's pretty perfect to be single.

p.s. J, I still love you.

I love you. But please, drop the hope.

Then he said,

"It's not about who you're attached to. It's about who you're really emotionally attached to."

H, you always know me inside out don't you?

Simplicity.

Yesterday night, I fought with the ex. I hate it when that happens but fuck, it always do. Anyways, I've got no fucking mood to even think of nice words for you to read.

I just don't get how humans play the game, I hate boys, and I hate girls kind of thing. Well, bottomline, we hate the opposite sex. Boys hate girls. Girls hate boys. What the fuck! So, why the fuck fall in love?!

Anyway, today I went tanning with the boyfriend. And then met up with the people. Yes, we is cool people. Ah fuck. I no mood. Bye.

Light.

Because all I see now, is pure darkness.